Will Ozempic chew up the food industry?

By Danny Tyree

“Are you upset?”

In the 90s, this question of the late Harold Rowland became an embarrassment after church every Sunday as he asked where my wife, my parents, and I were going to eat.

In the future, many people may answer “Are you haaawngry?” with a shrug and a muffled “Meh”.

Investors and food industry executives are gnashing their teeth over diabetes drugs like Ozempic and Wegovy. The drugs are being used off-label for weight loss and appetite suppression, and so far they seem to be driving away sales of salty, fatty and sugary foods (aka “Foods That Beat Watercress Sandwiches to School “).

A 17-member team at financial services firm Morgan Stanley predicts that in 10 years seven percent of Americans will be using such drugs and consuming 20 percent fewer calories (and begging financial services companies to put them out of their misery with a good position Roth IRA overhead).

Trust me, I know there is a problem. My once-youthful metabolism has deteriorated from the bottomless pit to “your thighs just absorbed that lasagna at the next table.”

Unhealthy dietary choices (and mindlessly gobbling up massive amounts of food) have consequences. Many people face stroke, heart attack, dialysis or amputation. There’s only a slight nuance between the “body positivity movement” and “I’m positive the body will (mostly) be put in the coffin.” understand.

The balancing act of living a long life and a happy life is a riddle wrapped in a mystery within a bacon-wrapped puzzle. Mmm… bacon.

But I’m not sure we can handle the social upheaval of pill-popping, sterilized foods, and slavish portion control.

Will people who have been dumped by their significant other really replace a meal of kale and shrimp with the time-honored practice of eating an entire tub of ice cream — or will they actually feed their ex and force feed them a meal of kale and shrimp?

Two neighboring counties have Frito-Lay plants. Should I provide dental insurance for laid off employees who do seasonal work pulling lettuce out of my yard?

Can church social cooks endure having their decadent desserts ignored by congregants with repressed desires? (“Heavenly Father, just as David smote Goliath, raise up someone to smite Big Pharma.”)

Will the Big Gulp Convenience Market Become Sniff the Cork? What kind of movies can Hollywood afford to make without subsidizing hot buttered popcorn and other concessions? (Coming soon to a theater near you: a double feature of “Honey, I Shrunk the Doughnuts” and “Saw – But Put It Back on the Shelf in Favor of Baby Carrots.”)

Will food industry leaders roll over or fight the fire with … artificial smoke flavoring? Think of the opportunities for cheap cheating. My well-placed spies tell me that the snack food manufacturers and fast food franchises are collaborating to make the rock band play “I want you to love me. I need you to need me” 24-7.

Look for the Keebler elves to stir up some mischief by “accidentally” sprinkling some cannabis into their baked goods. (“Tonight’s Cage Match: Appetite Suppressant vs. Mushroom!”)

I remain cautiously pessimistic about the future of our food, drink and health.

I may eat my words one day, but at least they’ll be fried to begin with.

I miss Harold. I’m “haaawngry” to see him — and my 34-inch waistband pants — in heaven one day.

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Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrade (email protected) and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades”.